.s$ .s$ .s$ $$ s$ s$ s$$s. $$ .s$$s. $$ .s$$s. $$$$s. .s$$s. .s$$s. .s$$s. $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$$$üï $$ .s$$$$ $$$ $$ $$ $$ $$ .s$$$$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ `ü$$üï `ü$ï `ü$$üï $$ `ü$$$$ $$ $$ `ü$$üï $$ $$ `ü$$ü ------------------------- $$ ---- $$ ------------------------- isSUE3 `ï `ü$$üï dISCRETE cONVULSIONS -------------------------------------------------------------- EDiTORiAL by Maestro Monteverdi, chancellor -------------------------------------------------------------- We received a lot of very upset reactions on issue 2 of this magazine. The readers were especially angry with Mohammed's and Arturo's styles, which reflected a lot of aggression and readiness to use violence, fortunately only verbally. The European Community has even announced to boycot this magazine. Especially Jacques Chirac was really full of rage because we dared to publish his feedback on issue 1 of this magazine. Chirac: "I thought that this journal was a joke! But now I have seen you are meaning it seriously, and I do not like it! Apart from all the propaganda you are making against the consumption of frogs, your journal is fully in English language (with a few pashtu words, of course). This is ridiculous! Serious journals have to be in French." William Jefferson Blythe also complained about issue 2 of this magazine. He said that there were "way too many spelling errors". This is perhaps a very original reaction, but he is right. Therefore we have decided to radically change the concept of this magazine. First of all, we are a fully democratic staff now. We have no main editor, but we (Abu, Afghanbashi, Arturo, Mohammed, Pedro and me) elect a parliament, and the chief of the strongest party in parliament has to form a government with a majority in parliament. This time, my party, the Movement for Justice and Peace, succeeded in the vote, and I became chancellor. But I did not have more than fifty percent, so I had to form a coalition. In the end, I formed a coalition with the parties of Abu (Pashtuna National Party), Afghanbashi (Liberal Democratic Party), Mohammed (Socialist Party) and Pedro (Anarchist Party). Abu became minister of the interior, Afghanbashi foreign minister, Mohammed minister for education and cultural affairs and Pedro minister of finance. Arturo with his Revolutionary Cynic Front for Change in the Sense of Syncretism is the leader of opposition. This does not mean he does not belong to the staff, no, of course he does. You ask what the sense of these elections is, what you have to do as a minister of the interior in an e-mag for example? It is simple! The chancellor coordinates the works of the ministers, he is the manager. The minister of the interior deals with problems in the staff. The foreign minister is to communicate with the readers regarding general topics on the magazine. The minister for education and cultural affairs is to keep up a certain culture in this magazine. Mohammed has had some lessons on civilization and political culture before getting this job, so he now knows how to behave and how others have to behave. The minister of finance tries to keep the mag short enough so that it is not so big and can be uploaded and downloaded fast, thus saving money. Finally, the leader of opposition's job is to criticize us during the process of making the magazine. In this way we can already anticipate what readers could criticize and hence avoid that they have anything to criticize. But we do not have to consider Arturo's complaints because even without support of his party, we have a vast majority in parliament. All in all I find this idea of organizing an e-mag original and innovative. Hopefully this magazine will benefit from it. By the way, you will not find any holy pashtu words in this issue. This is because I am a secular politician and think that religion and state should not be mixed up. I think that our one and only will not be upset with us nevertheless. You are also free to read this magazine with or without the holy Afghan colours. We do not care any longer. Of course this might change if Mohammed wins the next elections, but it is still some time until they will take place. Another thing: Mohammed still wants to become president of the e-mag scene. If you want to support him, fill in the votesheet attached to this magazine and send it to us. If he is president, he cannot become chancellor. Maybe this will motivate you to vote for him. In any case, happy reading. OUR READERS REACT by Afghanbashi, foreign minister -------------------------------------------------------------- I find it great that I can speak freely again! Freedom of speech is good and therefore also the readers shall speak freely. "The new design is good, but I criticise that you don't have an interface. With an interface, your mag would be even better! Maybe you could do it in the c64 style! That would be best!" - Cavik "Great work as always. I hope you're all wearing a large smile after putting together 2 magazines!" - dataman "hm... good job, really. i also read the articles in pashtuna langua. unfortunately i didn't understand very much.... (just kidding) hehe" - Rispock "this is what i call a scene production with FEELING. well done." - Eprom "When i read afghano #1 i thought 'woah, does it get any better?' with afghano#2 you showed me it can be MUCH better." - Garton "Afghano 2 is AWESOME! :) The best you ever had. Really." - Le Roi "I downloaded it, I ran it and it was cool. Some people say that the articles are boring, but I don't think so, I love them, they are many of them from different people, with very interesting discussions." - Soomitop "your e-mag rulez! best one since schwugi on c-64" - noolat "I love your mag." - Nylemunn Sh„lkin, 13 years old. "afghano is great, well done." - SodaRap "what a cool design on this new afghano issue..." - sajaz We also got some other reactions but Monteverdi already wrote about them in the editorial so I will not write anything about them here. ABOUT LiBERTY by Mohammed NapolŠon, minister of education -------------------------------------------------------------- Liberty is one of the most important goods of a man. Liberty allows him to make e-mags! Liberty is very good stuff. Only with liberty you can make political propaganda! Therefore liberty is very good. I am an adherent of liberty, with not a single restriction! I am for liberty for 100 percent! Liberty, that's the best thing in the world. Without liberty, I could not become president of the e-mag scene! And I want to become president of the e-mag scene. You vote for me, me, me, certainly? I hope so. Good. You have the liberty to vote. You know, liberty is if you understand that what you do or is done to you is necessary. It is a necessity to vote for me! NATiONAL CORNA by Abu Gaza, minister of interior -------------------------------------------------------------- Manibu mi na satunim, ne eske peske sa ne menuhim. Nelokom si kandahar indisaniej kol somiel mane sare ale basko, nemi simije nas komatim. Solta english samuleti maga, num se menu som roperi. MONEY AFFAiRS by Pedro, finance minister -------------------------------------------------------------- I have spent much time, not much money, on the problem, well, how to gain money. I had the idea then that we gain money automatically if we enslave ourselves and it becomes more and more if we just to not spend it. A great invention has hit my head, the invention of doing economies, of saving money, instead of saving time. This is the reason why I am still using a 9600 bps modem because it's simply cheaper than a 14400 bps modem and time on the other hand is not saved as on the contrary I need to be online longer. Now you ask what about phone costs! This is a real problem, this is something I have not thought of, because due to my low intelligence I did not know that time is money, but I now know, Afghanbashi taught me it. It would really be better if my country had been made a part of Russia because in Russia they do not have to pay money per time for phoning, yes, in Russia, "time is money" is not correct. REVOLUTION!!! It can't go on like that! eL aFGHANO was founded as a mag that doesn't care about political correctness! It's bad to impose this on us now! We will no longer support this government! ARTURO UI is our new leader! SECOND EDiTORiAL by ARTURO UI, chief of the junta -------------------------------------------------------------- Hello all! Now you see! We have a new government, this is us, me, yes, me has formed the government. The opposition has won. Viva la revolution! The contradictions between the ruling and the serving classes have reached their climax and now we've installed the dictatorship of the proletariate. Greetings first to the glorious cosmopolitian Joschka Fischer of the party with the colour of our one and only who said, "I prefer Molotow cocktails over cocktail parties!" This is a truely socialist revolution, in the truest meaning of the word. Well, actually you may be surprised a bit, why? because I'm called ARTURO UI, and if you know Bertolt Brecht, you probably also know he wrote a play called "The stoppable rise of Arturo Ui", and Arturo Ui is a pseudonym for a very bad politician. But I'm of course not the same Arturo Ui as him, this Brecht's Ui is FAKE!! I'm a socialist ARTURO UI (mind the spelling!), I'm the leader of the "Revolutionary Cynic Front for Change in the Sense of Syncretism" as Monte (you suck!) has already stated, so nothing bad at all, we're the true hail of the folk... eh, we're the glory of the people, that's what I meant. You ask, why? Well we is me... and our co-ministers, who are: Y0SHK@, WL@DiMiR ILYiCH, Y0SiP, Li0NiD, MiCH@iL and P0L! You don't know em? Well, the reason is simple! They haven't written for eL aFGH@N0 yet coz they fought in the underground, and as you see we are upperground. Otherwise we wouldn't upload every issue to finnish and german ftp servers and propagate it on the Usanet! Well, now they are a bit more upperground too. The former government is still alive, for those of you whom it may concern, they are now our slaves! Monte must eradicate every spelling error I make otherwise I'll slay him, and Afghanbashi must be very polite to the readers otherwise they'll see our true face, how bad evil and hostile we are in reality, and not like us (which would mean they'd be clever!). I am the leader and I'm the only worthy president of the e-mag scene! Oh and yes, you ask what happened to Mohammed, well he is member of the socialist party but he is in reality very capitalistic! So he is also in jail now, a slave of my government!! SOME Li'L BiTS O' PROPAGANDA by Y0SHK@, information minister -------------------------------------------------------------- Hello y'all, here's my 1st article. I'm the minister o'information as ya prolly know, so what'm I gonna do? I'm gonna make sum propaganda for our party's aims. So what're our aims and how'd I express them in an euphemistic way? A difficult question indeed! That's the difficulty, the difficult task o'every info minister, or let's better say propaganda minister... whoops, I shouldn't o'said that! But y'all know, the media're fucked up, they only serve who pays them money, which in many countries is the ruling party. If it's not the ruling party, well, then the ruling party'll soon not roole any more. So whadda heck, the ruling parties are all democratic parties anyway, so why'd you need change in government. Only with them, democracy can be preserved! So if ya're a true democract, ya must vote for that special party, i.e. in case o'my country, the "Revolutionary Cynic Front for Change in the Sense of Syncretism", in case o'most European countries, for a socialist party (or, as they use to call them nowadays, "social democrat" paddy), in case o'America the Democrats who're very democratic indeed, and in case o'China the Communists... you see, the Chinese actually are the most open and least hypocritical people nowadays! Well, apart from us Afghanes o'coz, I mean who else than shitheads would call themselves "Revolutionary Cynic Front for Change in the Sense of Syncretism". Look and think about what this means! Revolutionary means we wanna make a revolution, well we did that, we fucked everybody else up. We're also cynic, however, which, well, means that we have a pretty dry sense o'humour, almost sarcastic, and a bit nihilistic anyway - who isn't like that nowadays. Then we're a front, so we ain't a party but we make use o'military, o'arms, o'weapons and so on. We're for change, say the next two words, so what change do we want? change in the sense o'syncretism. Means that we want to install a syncretist government, form a syncretist society, but do ya know what syncrestism means? No - then look it up in a dictionary! Syncrestism means merging o'habits and traditions from several religions and actally this is quite counterproductive for a basically socialist party as we're because socialism includes atheism! That's also what many socialist parties in the rest o'the world neglect nowadays, their leaders even visit the pope, and not to smoke dope but because they respect him. Socialists should be atheists and atheists shouldn't respect the pope who's just a man like everybody else (except us, because we're the rulers!). They're really hypocritical and that's also what applies to us but we don't say it o'course because this would open the people's eyes and we don't want this. We want to stay in power. That's it. We have the support o'the people because they're so naive to think we're for democracy and not even that, that we grant democracy. Hei, you'd read a bit o'Marx, then you'd think differently, then you'd know what we really want. But actually you shouldn't care because this's better for us! iMPORTANCE OF POWER by WL@DiMiR iLYiCH, defense minister -------------------------------------------------------------- A quick hello to my readers, here is WL@DiMiR iLYiCH, the new defense minister. What do you ask now? I wonder. What my task is? Because there are no enemies of us? Ah! You are a bit... naive. Yes, naive! The contrary is the case! There are many enemies... potential enemies. We regard everybody as an enemy who does not follow our orders absolutely obediently. You understand? Yes, you understand! I see that! You don't? How naive you are... Don't you see, we want to become the rulers of the world? Yes, that's our alterior aim! So actually I'm not a defense minister but rather a war minister. But as I'm member of a party that adheres to the socialist values, I cannot call myself a war minister. You understand? Yes... no, you don't. I should not be so naive to falsely assume that you were a critical and thinking person. Look, socialists are pacifists. At least that's there outward facade, because Marx says something completely different in his theories, but it's good that most people do not know them. So, what's the matter? Well, simple, we must call ourselves defense minister to show our pacifism, that we only fought justified wars, which people think to be wars in which we are attacked. In reality of course every war is justified which we lead, also if we attack people. But we must not call ourselves, or better, I myself, a war minister, because that's an old term the monarchists and conservatives used and we want to look better than them. Of course the best word for me would be peace minister, but then again, this sounds too nonsense, doesn't it? And everybody would know, even the naivest, that it's simply euphemistic. E-MAGS AND POLiTiCS by Y0SiP, foreign minister -------------------------------------------------------------- I've watched e-mags very closely lately, and I came to one conclusion, namely that they do not serve their purpose of a platform of political propaganda well enough. They may be the spreader of the word of extra-parlamentarian opposition from time to time, they may serve their government from time to time, but most of the time they are unpolitical, and that sucks. E-Mags are made to manipulate people and how do you want to manipulate them if you are not political? Politics is manipulation, as simple as that: rhetorics, nonsense contents, collective stultification. iMPH0Bi@ is still the best of the conventional e-mags because it contains some so-called anti-racism propaganda. But it is true, honest aims, so it is not so good. A good e-mag should serve a bad aim. Like eL aFGH@N0: make people believe they are worth doing anything although they are not because if they read our mag well then they have nothing to do because it is actually a waste of time. Of course they should not know it, and it may be counter-productive that I said it now so openly, but I guess that you are intelligent enough that you already realized it all the same, so I do not really care about this. In any case, eL aFGH@N0 is certainly, definitely the most innovative, the most revolutionary e-mag in the whole world. I am proud that my country was to make such an e-mag first, although I should be a socialist. But nationalism and socialism get along well. Just think of Slobodan Polpotovic. THE SECRET SERViCE REPORTS by Li0NiD, interior minister -------------------------------------------------------------- Hello my dear friends! I welcome you to my little corner. I'm very glad that you read it. I'd like to talk to you a lot, but I can't really do that! You see why, I'm here in a country far away from most of our readers. But I'm the minister of the interior and so I have to care for my country's interior affairs most. But that's not all! I'm also the head of our great Afghane Secret Service (ASS). That's the main occupation of an interior minister, actually, just in case you didn't know it. Our ASS consists of three parts, an interior secret service (like Shin Bet), an exterior secret service (like Mossad) and a military secret service. Altough I'm called minister of the interior, I'm occupied with all the three of them. In some other countries this is a bit different of course, e.g. it's the prime minister who cares about this stuff. But we don't have a prime minister, we only have a chief of the junta (and head of the people's republic). Even in the past, we didn't have a prime minister, only a chancellor. Well, the difference isn't that great, but it's a difference. Don't you agree? That's why I organise the secret service, and it's very successful. E.g. we have more new great news about Northern Korea. Let me recite the report to you! "Kim Chong-il visited the 234th teacher brigade in order to inform himself about their productivity. He was very pleased to see their latest achievements, such as a 100% brainwashed schoolclass of 18 children. To reward them for their great contributions to the glorious North Koreanian nation, he proudly presented each of them with a machine gun and posed with them for a photo." Okay, okay, you expected that, I know! But we also have even greater news, e.g. that Kim Chong-il was visited by a foreign delegation, some revolutionaries from Laos. It's very important for a country to have such informations because information is very important in the western information society which we want to establish in Afghanistan too. We know too that now Joschka Fischer also plans to visit a comprehensive school in order to present them with molotow cocktails. He thinks that in this way it will be easier for him to pass his abitur. We learned that from our cultural attach‚ in kraut-eater land. by MiCH@iL, agriculture minister -------------------------------------------------------------- .... Sorry ... for setting no topic ... but ... I really ... don't know ..... what to write .. about ...... We ... farmers ... we cannot speak ....... because we have to work .... all the time ..... but now we ... must not ...... do this any longer ....... because ... we ... we're in a country ....... a country dominated by the classes of the working people and the farmers ... and .... and ..... and we will rule the country in such a way that ..... nobody must work. At least I believe so. YiPPiEH YEAH! by P0L, education minister -------------------------------------------------------------- I am very happy - I have become education minister. This is a very special thing because, I have no education myself. And I will realize one thing, that nobody alive will ever have education. Because, there is no good education. Everybody who is educated, is miseducated. That is not good. The miseducated are not worth to exist. We will sort out every body miseducated from uneducated. Only the uneducated are good, throw the others in trash. How to see who is miseducated? Glasses. If they were glasses they are miseducated! Even worse if they can write their own name, I mean do like that when I order them. Any serious man must not can do this. The others are not worth. Really, they are bad, you must believe me. I know it because my teachers were very bad men. They were miseducated. That is the reason. And by eradicating the miseducated we can prevent COUNTER-REVOLUTION!! Yes! You gave us the cue! Counter-revolution, that's what we do! Uninstall autocracy, reinstall democracy! THiRD EDiTORiAL by Mohammed NapolŠon, leader -------------------------------------------------------------- Haha, Arturo Ui is in jail! And I, I, I am the new leader! Again! Very cool! It's cool the people are still unaware that I'm as anti-democratic as Arturo! And here are the results of the presidential elections! :- 100% Mohammed NapolŠon, main editor eL aFGHANO 0% all other candidates You see, now I'm the president of the e-mag scene! And that is what I wanted! Thank you my subjects, now I'm going to rule! -- Sorry to interrupt you, Mohammed, but you know well that international spectators noticed a lot of irregularities during the elections. The main irregularity was that only 0.1% of the electorate voted, and this was you yourself... So we will need to hold the elections again... Sorry, Mohammed, but I am forced to attach the votesheet to this issue again. Monteverdi, maestro -- GO TO JAiL! by Afghanbashi, the coexistent -------------------------------------------------------------- Now we're finished, with our cabaret magazine, I hope you liked it. Or not, we don't care anyway, Mohammed NapolŠon, do we? Right! So see you until the next issue: eL aFGHANO #4 - LOST FORGETNESS!