Review: Ways of Dying

I was thinking about a topic which might interest many people, and then it popped into my mind that most of you and perhaps even us will be going to die one day. So this is a cool topic. Like rating the best washing magazines and printers, I am now going to review the most popular ways of dying. After all, you should always check all the options that are offered and compare them before buying anything. Moreover, I honestly think that the way somebody died is a quality as important as his hair colour, his temperament type or his IQ.

• Suffocating. This way of dying is usually inflicted by purpose, that is murder (smothering). It rarely happens by accident, but sometimes it does, e.g. in bonfires like recently in Kaprun, Austria. Certain groups of profession such as astronauts and chemists are at special risk. Suffocating works by cutting off your air supply, which causes certain vital chemical reactions in your body to no longer happen. It is a very slow and thus rather painful way of dying. Not recommended, except perhaps for masochists. You'd better avoid this. But usually you don't suffocate voluntarily anyway, as it is usually not used for suicide (smothering oneself is very hard).

• Drowning. Very similar to suffocating, this is to do with liquids that block the tunnels in your body that are reserved for air. You usually drown by accident (e.g. if you're in a car and your chauffeur is driving you into a deep lake from which you cannot escape) or purpose: murder or suicide. Especially on the countryside it's common to jump into a lake or a well if you've committed a moral crime that makes you think you no longer deserve to live. Drowning takes a few minutes, i.e. it is a rather slow method of dying, and thus not recommended.

• Burning. This is the other lethal impact a bonfire can have apart from suffocating. This completely ruins the structures of your body and leaves nothing but ashes. That's fine if you're opposed to being used in medical courses or as a source for organic transplantations. Of course it's bad if you want your body to be conserved like an old Egyptian Pharao's one. Burning is almost always caused by accident and it's supposed to be pretty painful.

• Breaking the neck. A very popular method of capital punishment, especially among the Taliban. You jump on a stage, are tied to a rope, and then the stage is removed and you're dead within a few moments. The disadvantage of this is (compared to e.g. burning) that your body will look rather disgusting for the lookers-on.

• Cutting the head off. This method of capital punishment was most popular in France three centuries ago. Usually performed using a guillotine. The funny thing is that your head continues living a few moment independently of your body once it has been removed. It is said that you still feel your legs and arms then (although nobody has yet been able to tell this from own experience, obviously). Perhaps this isn't too nice a feeling, though.

• Electrocuting. Another type of capital punishment, this time the preferred one of the United States. But this can also happen by accident, e.g. if you put your fingers into an insecure socket (in which case you might also survive though if someone helps you fast enough, as the voltage is rather low) or pissing on cables. Probably not a terrific experience.

• Shooting. Used in war and in everyday life (in China and many other countries) to get rid of criminals, personal foes and people with unpleasant opinions. Also used for suicide. If you're shot you'll be dead within a few seconds.

• Crushing. This usually happens by accident, e.g. if a car or a train runs over you. It's pretty painful. Often you survive and are handicapped for the rest of your life.

• Stabbing. Small-time criminals (not only murderers) are used to carrying knives. If they encounter a problem, they will attack you with them. It is likely that someone will find and save you, and even if you are left alone, it's terribly painful and it takes hours until you drop dead.

• Poisoning. This simply sucks. You feel little and you die soon.

• Drug Abuse. Similar to poisoning. Not feasible with every type of drug.

• Inherited Disease. There are many of them. Some examples: cancer, Creutzfeld-Jakob disease, Huntington disease. If you have them, it will hardly be possible to escape them (maybe with the exception of cancer). If you prefer another way of dying, you'll probably have to commit suicide or challenge fortune.

• AIDS. You get AIDS by accident, stupidity or purpose. In fact it's not AIDS that kills you, but it weakens your immune system that the next time you get a flu, you might never recover from it.

• Old Age and Infirmity. For the lucky ones.

All ways of dying are atrocious, as atrocious as their consequence. Living for ever is even better than the fanciest way of dying.

ARTURO UI of The Afghanistan Posse

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